Greetings, incoming students! Welcome to Collegic Park. Please read below for the descriptions of the various wildlife species you might encounter today as you drive around the park. Remember to keep your hands inside your vehicle at all times, as some specimens can be quite savage.

Homo Artistaprof

General description: Homo artistaprof are a surprisingly advanced species, using complicated tools such as machinery and computer programs that you might not expect a species of their hunting habits to use.

Females: Shy and so difficult to spot that you will wonder if there are any.

Males: Not shy at all, will casually saunter up to you in their native habitat, the art lab, and watch over your shoulder as you work. Can be quiet about offering feedback, but when fed with questions, will become quite friendly.

Flora: Usually hide behind a screen of t-shirts, rumpled hair, flannels, and beat-up shoes.

Fauna/prey: Will make great effort to learn every student’s name but might refuse to use your nickname because your given name “is just prettier.”

Homo Biznessprof

Note: Homo Biznessprof are very similar to Homo Commprof. Homo Commprof are not as similar to Homo Engprof as you might think.

General description: Homo biznessprof don’t usually bother to learn their students’ names. However, they are impressed by confident, outgoing students and will befriend and banter with them. Are quite invested in the real-world implications of the subjects they teach, and act very proficient in their industry outside academia.

Females: There is one queen that heads the pack — visitors will sometimes spot her around the watering hole.

Males: Have a dry sense of humor that will leave you guessing and confused.

Flora: Will hang out around the watering hole in jeans and nice sweaters. See if you can spot our male who constantly wears a suit.

Fauna/prey: They expect assignments to be done on time and won’t remind you of due dates very frequently. They especially love to scare students by listening to students’ presentations intently and asking additional questions at the end.

Homo Compsciensaprof

General description: This well-evolved species is extremely organized in their hunting habits, although they can sometimes be persuaded to push off deadlines. Do not expect these forthright animals to leave you politely in peace — they are known to sometimes break into a startling, non-PC bark.

Females: Collegic Park currently does not own any females, but is working with Workforce Animal Sanctuary to breed these highly endangered females.

Males: Our four well-loved bucks have been nicknamed by our visitors: “the mom,” “the fun uncle,” “the scary dad,” and “the crazy uncle.”

Flora: Will camouflage themselves in the vegetation in either jeans and a polo, or slacks if they are on the hunt for vulnerable prey.

Fauna/prey: Especially brutal on students who enjoy subjective disciplines, humanities and writing. Expect to see these vigorous bulls treat upperclassmen with the wary respect due adults.

Homo Physicomathoprof

General description: Introverts, beware — these overly-friendly profs are super dedicated to getting to know their students. They will stop you in the wilds of the quad to chat, force every student to introduce themselves to the class on the first day, and have even been known to require students to turn in a powerpoint introducing themselves.

Females: Collegic Park currently does not own any females, but is working with Workforce Animal Sanctuary to breed these highly endangered females.

Males: Have a bit of peacock in them. Instead of encouraging students to go off and learn on their own, they prefer to have students come to them as their main resource.

Flora: One of our species that takes themselves seriously, these profs are usually to be found in slacks and button-up shirts.

Fauna/prey: They are dedicated to getting God into the classroom — will often start class with a Bible verse, pray before tests, refer to the Creator, etc.

Homo Englprof

General description: COMING SOON





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